You’ve come a long way, baby

Despite the title, this post is entirely about me, not Nora.

I ran into an old friend over the weekend. We’d lost touch a while ago, so I wasn’t planning on stopping to say ‘hello’ unless she noticed me back. But then suddenly Brandon was flagging her down and inviting her over to meet Nora and ‘catch up.’ After a few minutes of very awkward banter, we parted ways again. Brandon looked at me in a What Just Happened kind of way, and to answer his unspoken question, I said, “She seems to think we’re pretty lame now, huh?”

And that was it. Until I found myself Facestalking her late at night. Same drama, same problems. Nothing had changed for her.

‘Huh,’ I thought to myself. ‘I figured that would have gotten old by now.’ But maybe that’s just me.

Don’t get me wrong; I’ve made my share of mistakes over and over. But finally I realized I wanted more out of life, and even though I’m far from perfect, I take pretty good care of myself now. And as a bonus, I somehow managed to realize my dreams of being a wife and mother, too.

Nineteen year old me would be pretty damn proud. And she was a mess, and sinking farther each day. I still wanted these things, but it was easier to party and drink instead. Combined with worsening depression, breaking up with a guy I thought was ‘IT’, and then sleeping around far too much in hopes of putting him behind me… it’s really a wonder I was able to recover at all. And it was another couple years before I hit the proverbial ‘bottom’. But some tough love from my family, getting some real help, and then some utterly tender love from my husband, and here I am.

There’s a tattoo I’ve been wanting to get for a long time, but I keep putting it off until I get myself a little ‘better.’ It’s a passage from Hebrews that says, “… you have struggled with God and with man, and have overcome.” I had this mental picture of what my life would look like when I got to the ‘overcoming’ part.

But honestly, maybe I’m a bit hard on myself. Maybe this is it. Not perfection, by any means, but the other side of the hill. Or, in my case, that very dark valley.

 

Ok, maybe this post is a little bit about Nora, but only because she’s so dang cute!!

Sweating the small stuff

It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a worrier, mixed with a serious dash of perfectionism, a side effect of which is insomnia inducing mommy-guilt.

I’ve been caught up in a massive change-up of my routine (again) due to Nora’s new mobility (crawling, cruising, and crashing, oh my!) and those precious 20 minutes I had for two whole weeks to get in a workout have once again vanished.

It sucks.

I’m just not a dieting kind of girl. I’d rather eat foods I enjoy and then kick my own ass for a couple hours at the gym. It makes me feel strong. Being hungry makes me feel weak.

And cranky.

And like a bad mother.

I know I’m just in a rough headspace the past few days, still playing catch up from my time in Greenfield helping my sister’s family and now having some new concerns about Nora’s hips that will go unanswered for a couple more weeks until we get down to see her doctor again… I’m just a little stressed.

Unfortunately, 3 a.m. isn’t the best time to get resolution so I should probably try getting some sleep instead.