Tomorrow

I’m trying to figure out what time I should set my alarm for tomorrow.
It’s the day of my wedding & I don’t want to be running late.
I don’t know if this day has snuck up on me or if it’s been planned out so far in advance that I’m over prepared. No definitely not over prepared; I don’t think anything can really prepare me for the weight of tomorrow’s events. I’ve known this man for five years, every day he makes me laugh. I know that will not change.
I have to put on a beautiful dress & try to remain composed and graceful. I get to tell Brandon, in front of all the people closest to us, that I love and cherish him. And then we will celebrate!
And then, I’m pretty sure life will go on.

Clean

For all intensive purposes, the wedding is two days away.
I have tomorrow, in which I will get my hair done, go decorate, go to puppy class and then hopefully sleep before things start getting really exciting.
And I have Friday, in which friends and family come to town, last minute things are touched up, we rehearse and have dinner, and I get some small measure of sleep before leaping out of bed to be married.
I’m honestly pretty relaxed. And I’m very very proud of how I’ve been taking care of myself the past couple days. Eating a very strict diet, drinking lots of water (about a gallon a day), getting plenty of sleep, and dropping weight because of it. It’s not a crash diet by any means, just buttoning down and doing what I should have for weeks (and months) now.
I’ve also been tracking my calories to make sure I don’t eat too little, which may seem silly. But the first few days of a diet are the hardest, and when ‘punishing’ your body by getting your portions back in line, it’s not that hard to do. If you plan to be hungry you can just as easily under-do it as over.
I planned this week very well with lots of fresh veggies in the house, pre-prepared so I could easily grab them when I needed. And healthy proteins are a staple, portioned out to keep me full throughout the day.
Sometimes I wonder: is it harder to learn what to do, or to actually do it?
For me, it’s clearly the latter, but I grew up learning to cook and to be conscious of the things I was eating because of my food allergies. But I know for many, they might be able to point out healthy foods at the grocery, but would have no idea how to get them on a plate. And still others are completely brainwashed by healthy branding and slogans, they have no idea what is in the food they’re eating.
I know I’m still very far from perfect, but I hope I can spend some time sharing what I’ve learned. And also be better to myself. If I can lose 5lbs in 2 days (water weight, people! Try a low sodium/no processed foods diet!) and feel that much better about myself, what can a lifetime of due diligence bring?

Three days to go

I’ve long since forgotten how many days I’ve been an ‘un-bride’.
But I must admit, all the hard work is paying off in spades. Tomorrow, Brandon & I are going to start setting up for the reception, and aside from a few little odds & ends, we just have to show up and get married.
I really must sing his praises one more time: Brandon has been utterly amazing, and me being off work has kept me from really losing my mind. This week I’ve been able to slack off, have coffee with friends, catch up on blogs & sleep in. Oh and diet (& lose a couple pounds before the big day!)
My dreams are still a little crazy, but when I wake up, I know I’ve done everything the best I could & this wedding is very much about me & Brandon. It has a lot of our personality shining through, and I couldn’t be more proud of how true to ourselves we’ve remained.
I’m going to go ahead and assume this will be my last post until after the wedding, so I just want to thank everyone for tuning in through all the insanity and dullness. Until later, my friends!

Stress

So with less than two weeks until the wedding, I’ve been really feeling the pressure to make everything go perfectly. I feel like when that inevitable thing goes wrong, it sure as hell better not be because I overlooked a critical detail. Only freak accidents and babies allowed.
I feel crazy. If I don’t write something down as soon as I think of it, it’s likely to be forgotten moments later. If I’m lucky it will come back so I can write it down then. Or Brandon (aka Life-Saver) will remind me.
The funniest thing is, though, yesterday he thanked me for being so organized. Which, I guess, I really am. I made myself a ‘master’ to-do list, and then used post-its to do daily lists and keep myself focused and a tiny bit less overwhelmed. And best of all, for the most part I’ve been getting each list done every day, so even though there’s a new list of things to do in the morning, I can still feel accomplished. If only for a few moments.
My diet is struggling at best, though. And my sleep is erratic and filled with dreams of my lists and random things that could go wrong. Like forgetting to shave. Speaking of forgetting: forget exercising. Although that might help me chill too. (Putting ‘go for a walk’ on my to-do list now.)
I think I need to make myself a schedule for the day of, with thing like “eat”, “drink water” & “pee” so I can hold it all together though the home stretch.
I’m not sure what else to do to make myself relax. I might go get a massage later this week. Regardless, it will all be over soon. In the best possible way.

myself

In two weeks the wedding will be here, and after that I will suddenly find myself with a lot more time on my hands.
I swear I am getting back to writing. And reading. And being generally less cranky, and more joyous.
I also need to figure out what I’m going to do to start drawing an income again.
There are a lot of things I can do. I’d really like to not get sucked into a job that trades me happiness for money again. Don’t get me wrong, there were plenty of good things about my last job. The people, both my coworkers and customers, totally made it for me. And in the end, it just wasn’t enough. Long hours and constantly shifting expectations and lack of communication finally broke me down too far. I can never express how grateful I am to Brandon for seeing what even I didn’t see: that I don’t have to do this.
I’ve always preached that if you want to do something else, you should. Take control of things rather than letting them make you miserable. Of course, that can be easier said than done. There’s always the ever present concern about making ends meet. And finding the energy, after a long exhausting day at a job you hate, to go out and look for something better. Add to that feelings of self-doubt, a bad economy where jobs are hard to come by, and endless other factors, and you may find yourself feeling really stuck.
I’m definitely ‘un-stuck’ at this point, however that doesn’t answer the big question: what comes next?
I did interview last week at a math tutoring place, but I’ve forgotten just a bit too much over the past decade since I last took a math class. And then a few days ago when I was in Detroit, I got to spend two days in a second grade classroom with my friend Christie. I was overjoyed to watch & assist her in whatever fashion she let me. I am starting to hope I can find something that will let me work with kids.
I have dozens of other interest and pet-projects I’d also like to indulge at some point, but figuring out which ones are a viable career path (even short term, because the baby-fever is strong with this one), has me quite a bit turned upside down.
Whatever happens next, though, I am vowing to be more true to myself.

Two weeks

Let me be the first to say, I am in awe of people who continue to lead normal lives while planning their wedding.
I still firmly believe I couldn’t have been more organized, more prepared, have any more support than my awesome friends & family have given. And still I don’t know how I could have continued functioning at my job in any productive fashion.
Just this past week: on Wednesday I got up at 6:30, spent a half hour with the dog & got straight to work on organizing my to-do list, making calls, sending emails & double checking paperwork. I took a little break to feed the dog (and myself, finally) in the afternoon, went to a meeting with my DJ, sat with my dad for an hour at a coffee shop to take a mental break, came home, made dinner & sat back down at my computer until 11:30 that night.
Now if that’s not a full day of work, I don’t know what is.
Honestly, the only reason I was able to focus so entirely on the wedding that day was because I’d spent the two days prior doing things for myself that were far as far removed from wedding planning as possible. I wanted to be sure I went up to Detroit to spend some time in the classroom with Christie, doing some other kind of lasting good. Her 2nd graders have totally won my heart, and I wish I could have stayed longer. Hopefully I can make it back before the end of the school year in mid-June.
Today I have my hair trial with the amazing Jami over at First Impressions. I think I’m doing this a lot later than most people, but I’ve trusted her exclusively for the past 4-ish years to keep my hair looking great & she has never ever let me down. And all the people I’ve sent over to her love her too. Seriously, call her. She will change your life.
Tomorrow, I have a makeup consultation at MAC to get myself the right stuff to do my own makeup. Yes I’m going to do it myself. I’ve always loved doing my own makeup & I know some big girl products will go a long way. It’s kind of ironic that I only buy my hair products from a salon, but I still get my makeup along side my groceries. Oh well, I’m getting schooled.
After that, with any luck today, the only things left to do are the DIY projects over at my mom’s. I’ll be camping over there for a few days making sure all of that is ready to go by the end of the week.
Then, with one week to go, we can all just relax, wait for my sister to have her baby and then GET MARRIED!!!!