The elusive wagon

I’ve tacked my food for about 3 days of the past 30. I’ve been to the gym zero times in at least the past 6 weeks, maybe actually longer. About half the food I eat is really healthy.  A third is really not, and the rest I should just eat less of.
I feel like crap. Partially because I’ve been nibbilng on things that are downright bad for me, but taste so freaking good (stupid dairy). Also in part because I’ve been itching for over a week now. Normally the dairy wouldn’t be enough to cause more than the occasional sniffle, but combined with the fact that I used a laundry detergent that I’m apparently very allergic to… well I’m a mess. The itching makes me cranky when I’m awake, and wakes me up at night (probably also contributing to my crankiness). Yesterday I finally went to the doctor to get a medicine. And last weekend I rewashed all my clothes that I’d possibly washed in the offending soap with my good old standard Tide.
I’m still itching.
But I’m still not taking very good care of myself. Which makes me feel guilty, which manifests itself STILL in destructive eating, mostly. It seems like it’s such a simple cycle to break, and I can’t explain why it’s not.
I resent the fact that I can’t eat the same things that a ‘normal’ person can. Especially when I’m reading about ‘healthy eating’ tips and ideas and they’re talking about how good low fat cheese and milk are for your body. Not mine, though. It’s a lot of wasted energy, this resentment. I’m well aware.
I know in order to get out of the rut, I have to just do it. It’s hard to run on the food I’ve been eating. It’s going to hurt to start lifting again. And being hungry while your body gets adjusted to a calorie restricted diet, well it sucks.
And then once all those things stop sucking, then I start missing time at home with Brandon. I start watching my friends eat and drink the things I will not. I weigh every morsel that goes into my mouth, and log it.
I guess I’m still searching for some middle ground that suits me better, and in the mean time I’m going on a Woe-Is-Me sort of rant.
I have absolutely no energy (despite just having eaten lunch) and I’m itching, but I’m going to try to get outside after work for an attempt at running. Or at least moving forward with out falling on my face. Both literally and figuratively.
End snarky self-talk.


One thought on “The elusive wagon

  1. Okay my dear, Here's a more realistic plan for you, me, any of us and all of us.Don't even try the all or nothing approach. It sucks and for most folks = fail.Pick one thing to eliminate, one thing to add and one thing to do differently. That's it. 3 things at a time. Eliminate something that is bad for you. Add something that is good for you that will be a reward that you like. Those two will balance each other out and the habit will help you with your routine.Do these 3 things for 21 days. Mark it on a calendar.Experts say 21 days are needed to transform routines into habits.After the first 21 days, you will have adjusted and you can add 3 more things like you did before.Keep this pattern up and you'll turn into a healthy tortoise instead of frustrated hare.

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