Pressure

All of the sudden, today I’m feeling particularly anxious.
I wore a dress to work (I never do that). Our roof is going on (it was half done at lunchtime though). Work is piling up around me (I keep plugging away at it).
I even decided to embrace my upcoming birthday.

What on earth could be bugging me? I can’t sit still, I feel like I can barely breathe. Two martinis sound really delightful, but I’m sure that is just a mute button for my scattered thoughts & feelings today.

Everything is fine. Why do I feel like it’s not?

No answers today. At least not yet.

anticlimax

I suppose it’s only logical that romantic weekends should fade into the hum-drum of your normal work week. But that doesn’t make it any less disappointing.
No not disappointing, just…
Anticlimactic.
Jessie’s wedding was lovely, the reception was a blast. It was an atmosphere full of affection. Lots of, “I like how they did this, ” and, “We’d probably do this differently.” That general attitude really gets a girl’s hopes up. I knew better, but I let it wash over me. I drank it up, now it feels like a bit of a hangover.
I shouldn’t sulk. Things will happen in their time. Sometimes it’s hard to fight off those pangs of jealousy and self doubt, though.
It’s probably safe to assume that as the week wears on, things will go back to normal. There’s still lots of lingering affection mixed in with all the house work and new roof going on, which I intend to fully enjoy rather than wallow in this pity party mode.
Honestly I find this side of me a little disgusting considering all that he’s done for me and shown me how he feels.
Alright then, back to work!

home

I think to most people, answering the question, “Where are you from?” comes pretty easy. For me, it feels so awkward.
I was born in Kokomo, but I was not more than two years old when we moved up to Michigan. My sister was born in Detroit. My first friendships were formed there. Even more so in Dearborn where I went to kindergarten and first grade. The two years we lived in Grosse Isle were full of fond memories of playing in the (dead end) street, building forts in the back yard, and being homeschooled by my mom.
I was almost ten years old when we moved back to Indiana. We lived in a small town just outside Warsaw for a couple of years and when my parents got divorced, one or the other parent was living at that house until I was 16. Those were really rough years in some respects. I suppose a lot of it had to do with my parents, but also my grandparents (whose house we lived in) had a strong influence on the bittersweet mood.
For years I used to imagine that I’d live in Michigan again someday. A big part of me wants to tell people that’s where I’m from. Mostly though, I say “near Warsaw,” because of the inevitable follow up questions that insue. “Oh, did you know…?” “Did you ever go to….?” “Do you remember…?” If I tried to answer those questions about living in Detroit, or even Grosse Isle, I’d have to shamefully rephrase the original answer. But the things I do remember were magical. Cookouts at the Green’s house (my mom still swears it’s the best southern food she’s had in her life). The pink mansion looking out to Canada from the island. Going over the bridge to Trenton. The car shows, the library with the Flat Stanley puppet, the pink cast when I broke my arm.
It’s amazing the little things that shape our sense of self. I suppose it really doesn’t matter what answer I give anyhow. I know where I’m from.

the slump

I can tell by how much food I’ve eaten and how little I’ve exercised that this week is going to be all but entirely unproductive in the weight-loss arena. But I’m still on the plus side as far as calorie expenditure so that can’t be all bad. I guess this is more of the “real life” me who often gets too busy to give a lot of thought about what I’m eating, not eating, doing and not doing. I’m a little bummed that I’m finding myself running out of time and energy before I make it to the gym these days. I could do a lot better with some extra rest 😛 Busy weekends don’t lend themselves to sleeping in, though.
I guess I still wonder, though, how so many of us have gotten so far off track. We don’t really take care of ourselves anymore. We don’t listen to our bodies, our are hearts… often we find pills to fix the symptoms of both. It is very time consuming, yes, but so what if I forget to watch TV? So what if I don’t work straight through my lunch hour?
Can I really learn to make myself a priority? I think so…