A little more

It’s a little startling the first time you find yourself in a position like mine: your daily activities are intrinsically linked to another person, yet you feel like you’re acting as a completely independent person.
If someone were to ask me, “What are you up to these days?” my response would be completely different than Brandon’s. But now in my every day routine, I do things for him. I don’t really think about it any more, nor do I ever expect more than the occasional nod of recognition. Perspective dictates whether you’d consider this a rhythm or a rut. He throws me just enough curve balls to keep me smiling, and I’d like to imagine my crankiness has tapered down to a minimum.
I don’t know if there’s a lesson here, but I’m definitely still growing as a person.

Signs

I slept in just a little bit today. It’s pretty cold and cloudy for July. As I laid in bed dozing, I figured out what I want to say at Jessie’s wedding. When I got up to write it all down, it was all still there and actually looks pretty good. Usually when I’m sleep-writing, as I like to call it, I can’t remember half of it when I go to write it down. Then I decide it sucks, and I usually just throw it away. So I consider this morning to be a very good sign of what’s yet to come.
Of course, I’m not sure how that’s going to translate into my zoo trip today. Now there’s a chance for rain exactly when Tina and I are supposed to be going out there. Hopefully it at least holds off for the autocross this morning. Brandon worked pretty hard this week getting his car fixed and put back together so he could race today, and the next two events fall on weekends where we’ve already got plans.
I hope he grabbed his umbrella just in case. Actually, I should stop typing and get ready to go up there.

9 days later

It’s a really lonely business being on a diet. People look at you funny when you refuse obviously delicious food. You feel like everyone is just waiting for you to fall off the bandwagon. And if you’re having any success, you get one of three reactions: the “Congrats, keep it up!”, the snide looks of “Well it’s about time,” or the occasional “Boy I wish I could do that.”

The one singular thing I’ve found that keeps me focused is the idea that this isn’t really a “diet,” I’m just re-training my body on how to eat. Second thing I’ve found really important is planning. Having lots of healthy food around doesn’t just happen. Having options of reasonable snacks depending on your craving takes a little work. Finally, I’d be lost without the accountability and support I’ve had. And not just being held accountable by others. You can cheat that pretty easily. But really keeping track of calories in and calories out in a less than tedious way. I tried before writing everything down and then looking it all up later to add up all my food calories. Booooring. And way too time consuming. There are lots of online resources, though that will do all that for you. A few will even estimate calories expended by putting in your daily activities. I found something that works pretty well for me and the daily affirmation that everything I’m doing is adding up is just priceless. Plus I have some really smart friends and very loving family.

It still sucks sometimes; I’m not going to lie. We had pizzas ordered in for work today. I ate my hummus and pitas while they enjoyed hot cheesy goodness. Yesterday was an excruciatingly stressful day at work & I could not stop thinking about a fillet o’fish. I actually ended up enjoying my turkey wrap very much though, and then took out my frustrations at the gym. (I know, it doesn’t sound especially tasty or exciting, but fresh really is better than you remember.)

I’m anticipating the slip-up. Human nature is kind of a bitch that way. But I don’t want to just assume I’ll fail at some point and psych myself out. I try to keep out of my mind past attempts and failures to lose weight. I’m still nervous, I guess, that today might be no different than before. But I have to try… my health depends on it, not to mention all my plans and dreams for the future.

fat

Time to get real:
I’m 25 (2.5 months until I turn 26). My doctor called me yesterday after getting my lab results back from my checkup. Turns out, I’ve got high cholesterol. And high triglycerides.
Now for me this is more than a little disheartening. I stress eat, at times even binge eat. It’s ugly. Eating crap for comfort is something I’ve struggled with quite possibly my whole life. I wasn’t always fat. There’s a gorgeous picture of me when I was 17 in a size 4 prom dress. But after I graduated and got out of the house and there was no one to see what or when or how much I was eating, I really started to struggle. Also in those years, I was battling most with my own feelings of anxiety and depression.
I’ve tried some pretty serious diet and exercise routines. I’ve been lucky enough to have my good friend Kyle around to point me in the right direction with some of my more peculiar dietary needs. Plus he’s always been encouraging every time I fall off the wagon for a while and then realize I should try to get back on.
One thing I have learned to do in the past couple of years is stop gaining weight. I don’t eat terrible, but not the low-calorie/low-fat plan that would get me to where I’d be most healthy again.
Right now I’m hungry. I’ve kept track of everything I’ve eaten and drank today, though, so I know I can have a snack. It’s excruciatingly tedious, let me tell you. But at 25, I really don’t think I have a choice.
Then once I get used to this stricter food situation, we’ll see about getting back to the gym more regularly. I don’t feel too guilty about it, though, because while exercise is always* good for you, it really doesn’t have much to do with your cholesterol.
Oh yes,also an important part of a healthy lifestyle is sleep.