the gift

The main difference between us might just be how we interpret what it means to “take care of” someone. To him, emotional stability comes naturally, so what he strives to maintain is a level of physical comfort, or lack of discomfort I suppose. I appreciate these things, I really do. He’s making a beautiful house for us, one room at a time. He’s even talking about buying another new vehicle that would serve multiple purposes for us, but one of the main reasons is so that I can have something to drive that has A/C and no exhaust leak and is mechanically sound on long trips.
Wow.
It’s funny how I have to take a step back and then I can see how much this man cares for me. It’s silly how I think I just want to be cuddled and romanced, but I’ve been given so much more. And I do get a little of the mushy stuff, but on the whole, that’s really not his style. Shrug.
Tomorrow is his birthday, and I’ve found that “stuff” really doesn’t express all the gratitude I have for him being in my life. He’d rather I ignore it all together, but I’m sure you can see why it’s so important for me to be able to celebrate him!
Well this has taken all the fire out of my foul mood, and grinning ear to ear has commenced.

Gardening girl

You ever wake up from a really good nap and wonder what day it is? Well this was not my nap this afternoon. While I do feel moderately refreshed and somewhat disoriented, I’m still trying to figure out why I was so tired to begin with. I actually went to bed at a reasonable time after having an EXTREMELY productive day. Maybe it’s just my score muscles being all, “Hey, take a break, you made us do things we’re not used to yesterday.” And so they coerced me back to sleep.
That must be it.

blue moon

I have a problem with getting to bed at a reasonable time. I’m well aware of the hour and all the things I should be doing to get ready to sleep, but I’m not doing them. I’m here, or curled up with him over there. This makes morning excruciating and work a pathetic treadmill that’s either too fast or too slow. I need to adjust my habits so I can live more… more something. Have more energy. Whine less. Find the time to enjoy reading a book without my eyeballs feeling like they’re going to dry up and fall out of my head. That kind of stuff.
Ok seriously. Going to bed now.

boozer

It’s no secret: I’ve consumed my fair share of alcoholic beverages. I did so most foolishly and violently when I was underage. When I turned 21, my drinking habits changed rather dramatically. Not necessarily because I was finally able to go to bars; my ‘life situation’ had been altered somewhat abruptly and I just didn’t find it as much fun to get smashed. On a couple of occasions in the half decade since, I’ve managed to consume far more than I should, and there are a few other instances where I fell over the ‘pleasantly buzzed’ line down into ‘seriously tipsy.’ I’ve blacked out, fallen over, peed my pants (stupid zipper) and woken up wondering where my pants are. These were not good sides of me, and thankfully they are fading farther and farther into my past.
Yet, I’m still slurping away on a nice tasty beer. I have no intentions of becoming drunk or even buzzed. One beer. Did I “learn my lesson”? No I suppose not. I knew before I committed those indecencies that they were particularly embarrassing if not dangerous. And I can’t really say that I learned what my tolerance is… it fluctuates daily I think. And sometimes I will cry irrationally without any alcoholic influence whatsoever.
Some part of our human nature thrives on flirting with disaster. On occasion, with mistakes made comes an ounce of wisdom, and we decide to stop tight-rope walking that line. I guess you could say I’ve gained a little perspective. I figured out that I’d more often prefer being admired as a good person than a fun one.
Maybe that is the lesson I learned. Rachael 101, hm?

Not getting laid off…

Totally slacking off on my writing. My brain is so disjointed from work stress.
When we first got back from vacation, I was seriously starting to wonder if we were going to be laying off again. There was some annoyance with the way I had handled some things before I left, but I was doing the best I could. I was swamped and everyone else seemed to have their own (less stressful) things to do, so I didn’t really ask for help getting stuff done. If I had known how much busier things would be now, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice. Anyway…
That first week we were back was soooooo dead. No calls, very few emails… budget was a monstrous number everyone knew we weren’t going to reach. Then the “Purchasing Supervisor” from a very large company called to schedule a meeting with my boss. Crap. He and I had a meeting, I spelled out all my current projects, and held my breath. He took one look at some of the large quotes I had prepared recently and said, “I bet this is all ‘XYZ Tool Company’ stuff.” Brilliant, he is (there’s a reason he’s in charge). I should have known something was up. We’d had ‘XYZ’ on credit hold for a few weeks now. I really didn’t think anything of it though, lots of companies are having money troubles, and we’re their competition so we get paid last. Apparently though, no one is getting paid. No one is entirely sure how this happened. The ‘Very Large Company’ the purchasing supervisor works for pays their bills on time always. Something has clearly gone askew on a larger scale, and my company is probably very lucky to have escaped it.
So now every day is a scramble to process twice the orders, with everything needing to be there yesterday. Everyone seems to be extremely frustrated, calling me, emailing me, faxing me… and some stuff I just am not able to handle. I’ve turned over a lot of the orders that I had already quoted because that stuff is pretty hard to screw up. But it still seems that for every one quote I crank out, three more requests come in. I still feel like I’m crawling through the day at a snails pace (though my $ sold would say otherwise). Plus now it’s the season of a million things to do, weekends are packed, weeknights filling up quickly. At some point I’m going to need to sleep.
Not this weekend, though, and maybe not next either. It’s a good thing I got that vacation in before all of this chaos. Now I just need to figure out how to stop going to work in my dreams.♠

peaceful

Tonight I’m pleased to announce that in a matter of days I will have both my brother and sister back within daily driving distance. It hasn’t been an easy road for either of them, but perhaps a change in proximity to family & loved once will bring a fresh dose of relief to their lives. I love them so very much and am excited to see what the coming days bring.

misc adventures

Sometimes when I get tired, I’m more prone to sharing what’s in my head. I firmly believe those who say that being overly exhausted is much like being drunk. Your inhibitions are much lower, your synapses are firing slower, and on occasion, you discard logic and reason for something that makes your brain go “whoa.”

Since we’ve been back from vacation, I’ve not been to bed on time. Even as I type, I’m probably pushing myself out a little too late.

Exciting things are happening these days: my biggest competitor in regards to work is in serious financial trouble, so things are picking up. Like all at once, people are like, HEY CAN YOU GET THIS FOR ME I NEED IT NOW PLEASE. If I’m lucky they’ll actually say please. I’m just not feeling the connection to it. Good news, yes, but I still see mountains when I close my eyes. Oh how unfair.

Also exciting is I just got my official acceptance into the Big Brothers Big Sisters program. So now is a little waiting game while they decide what to do with me. Then I become partially responsible for a child. A real one. Someone else’s child at that.
It’s not like when you’re a teenager babysitting & occasionally the parents expect something to go wrong from time to time. Nor is it like having your own child to nurture or screw up as best as you can. No, this is entirely foreign to me. But exciting. I really do love kids.

Smidge over three weeks until Brandon’s birthday. Fathers’ day is just before that. I love the men in my life, but am utterly clueless this year. Again with this extra-detached feeling. Sigh.

I give, going to bed