a philosophy on crushing

It’s shamefully embarrassing: my first recollection of something resembling a crush was on one Michael W. Smith.
It’s true, but thankfully I’ve moved on since then.
Probably my longest lasting celebrity crush was on Ethan Hawke. I was minimally heartbroken when he married Uma, but sadder still when they separated.
I guess you could say I was always boy-crazy.
My first reciprocated affection came in first grade when James and I would sit in the back of the reading rug and hold hands. I can’t even really remember his face now; just a warm feeling of doing something sweet that people would tell me not to do.
I crushed many a-time after that. Starting in 4th grade it got bad, an in middle school it got worse. I remember writing love letters to Ryan after a summer of drama classes and making googly eyes at each other, but nothing else came of it. Well that’s not true. I was extremely jealous to find he’d taken an interest in a sort of “frienemy” but that too passed so quickly.
I crushed hard on Darin from youth group… I think it had something to do with summer camp, but when I realized that the affection would never be returned, I found another blond haired, blue eyed boy pining after me.
He was to be my first kiss, one of many. You could probably say that Matt and I learned the definition of “making out” during those blissful weeks. I don’t remember how it ended, but it did, of course. And I can’t recall anything significant until high school (though I’m sure there were hundred’s more minutes spent wondering if someone could like me).
Then of course things got serious. Crushing quickly turned to lusting and all kinds of getting into trouble with the parents. Sex was now on the menu and crushing more or less became obsolete.
I guess that’s not entirely true. Maybe a crush and lust are more interchangeable than we think. To me, I might crush on someone I find attractive who also appears to be kind in some way. And in general, I would more or less lust a bit after the same kind of person. I dare not get into the semantics of “why.” Because really, who knows? You can talk pheromones and genetics and relationships with parents till you’re blue in the face, but attraction is attraction.
In the end, I have to say, I still find myself crushing on Brandon from time to time. I don’t think that really played much of a roll in how we came together though. I can’t even remember those first few days of trepidation and excitement, and yes I suppose lust. And it grew from there.
Dissecting all of these moments in my life really don’t lead me to any one conclusion.
Other than:
I was one silly girl.

Still am.


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