should

I went to bed last night in a relatively foul mood. After much pondering of the use of my time & a stubborn eyelash that made me feel like there was a Brillo pad under my eyelid, I finally fell asleep wondering why I felt so frustrated. (With myself not my eyelash, obviously.)
Somewhere since then it occurred to me that I’ve been feeling like I’m living with my life on hold, so to speak. There are things that I want to do and be that just simply cannot happen right now, that elusive motherhood for example. It’s really important to me, and I would never rush or force it recklessly, so I wait.
I guess all this waiting is making me feel like I should be doing more with my life. But why? So many of the ‘should’s in our lives are put there for our benefit. We should eat healthy, should get plenty of rest & exercise and all that. We should be kind to each other and should not be wasteful. And many others are programmed. Should settle down, get married, have kids, pay all your bills on time, floss every day, etc. And not all of these are bad ideas; they make our lives simpler, we fit in better with our society, which should, of course, make us generally happier.
Should.
Another one of those things I was taught I should do is go to college so I could make enough money to live a relatively comfortable life. College didn’t really work out so well for me, mostly because the only thing I could figure out that I wanted to do with my life is take care of my family. I still don’t think that there’s an actual “Mrs.” degree.
As I was sitting at the traffic light this morning, what looked like a hundred thousand headlights on their way to work gives me further pause. What am I doing? What could I be doing? Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. Some people know that they could keep on doing their job for the rest of their lives, but that is not me. I thrive on fresh challenges and getting to learn something new every day.
So I’m still asking myself, “What should I do?” I just don’t know.

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