commitment-phobe

Had a little orientation meeting at a college today. Nothing scarier, let me tell you. My 40 work hours plus 12 classroom hours plus god knows how many homework hours? Plus the rest of my life? Calgon take me away!
I’m going to have to think about this and try to write more later.

Putting up vs. Shutting up

It’s pretty much a given that your first relationship is doomed to fail miserably. Humans being inherently selfish, pleasure seeking creatures; it doesn’t come naturally to truly put someone else’s needs before your own. Once this fact dawns on us, sometimes we flip to the other end of the spectrum, having this pang of guilt for how we behaved once upon a time, we will give anything to try to make someone happy. Sometimes this doesn’t end quite so catastrophically, if the person receiving has a relatively good nature. However, there are still plenty of douchebags who will gladly take advantage. Having been on pretty much every end of the spectrum, I have some grasp of how hard it is to find someone you can strike a balance with: both giving a little, but standing up for their own needs.
It breaks my heart to see people I love still struggling with this. I know there’s not a word in the dictionary that I could utter to shake them free, though.
Here’s hoping and praying to break the cycle.
Love you.

should

I went to bed last night in a relatively foul mood. After much pondering of the use of my time & a stubborn eyelash that made me feel like there was a Brillo pad under my eyelid, I finally fell asleep wondering why I felt so frustrated. (With myself not my eyelash, obviously.)
Somewhere since then it occurred to me that I’ve been feeling like I’m living with my life on hold, so to speak. There are things that I want to do and be that just simply cannot happen right now, that elusive motherhood for example. It’s really important to me, and I would never rush or force it recklessly, so I wait.
I guess all this waiting is making me feel like I should be doing more with my life. But why? So many of the ‘should’s in our lives are put there for our benefit. We should eat healthy, should get plenty of rest & exercise and all that. We should be kind to each other and should not be wasteful. And many others are programmed. Should settle down, get married, have kids, pay all your bills on time, floss every day, etc. And not all of these are bad ideas; they make our lives simpler, we fit in better with our society, which should, of course, make us generally happier.
Should.
Another one of those things I was taught I should do is go to college so I could make enough money to live a relatively comfortable life. College didn’t really work out so well for me, mostly because the only thing I could figure out that I wanted to do with my life is take care of my family. I still don’t think that there’s an actual “Mrs.” degree.
As I was sitting at the traffic light this morning, what looked like a hundred thousand headlights on their way to work gives me further pause. What am I doing? What could I be doing? Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. Some people know that they could keep on doing their job for the rest of their lives, but that is not me. I thrive on fresh challenges and getting to learn something new every day.
So I’m still asking myself, “What should I do?” I just don’t know.

tick tock

Today I have to spend an extra 15 minutes lunching because I spent an extra 45 minutes on Monday making sure that a salesman had all the quotes he needed for his meeting Tuesday. It’s excruciating, honestly. And up until a few weeks ago I had rarely even taken my full hour because there were just too many things that needed done. I understand the need to set limits on overtime (I’d rather have a flat 40 hours than no job at all), but in my gut I worry that I’m not keeping the customers as happy as I should. On the flip side to that, sometimes no amount of time spent agonizing over details will make someone happy. So I shrug and try to leave my work at work.
Night before last, I woke up at 3:30a.m. having dreamed that I had just spent a whole day at work, a stressful one at that! I couldn’t fall back asleep until 4:30 and then my alarm went off at 5:30 to begin a cranky and exhausting day. I try not to show how utterly frustrated I get, but I think yesterday it may have leaked out a little. Oh well. Nothing a little extra radiance & more “service with a smile” can’t remedy.
Yesterday I also got to talk to my brother for a while. We’re both contemplating choices that will have pretty significant impacts on each of our lives. He’s getting ready to graduate and facing endless possibilities, but also trying to keep his relationship with his girlfriend intact & growing. My personal life is at a lovely lull, but I wonder if I should be spending more time developing myself in other ways. Work offers me tuition reimbursement with only a few catches: good grades, career related studies (my CURRENT career, that is). I find the idea of studying finance or business or even engineering completely mind-numbing. However, Josh pointed out that you can always get more than just the intended curriculum out of any educational experience. Also, he said if I was just interested in keeping my resume fresh during my child-rearing years, if I actually get them, I could also actively volunteer. There are lots of youth programs in my area that would probably fit my interests just fine. Plus I adore spending time with kids, of course.
All of this gets me thinking about how I spend my time each week. Work, cooking & house keeping, going to the gym, spending time with friends and family, and just getting to be with Brandon. Oh yes, and sleep.
Pretty much anything I add to my life is going to take away time with Brandon. Neither of us is really too excited about such a prospect, but I’m guessing it’d be much less painful than we anticipate.
So many choices to consider…
And all the while I am feeling like the longer I don’t do something, the more I’m slacking off. That bookshelf of unread books is calling me, though. Oh delicious nothingness, too.

More contemplation required.

“I love you”

I heard this song the other day… something about loving someone you don’t really know… or thinking you love someone and then finding out you don’t really know them at all.
Kind of an interesting idea. I suppose it’s all dependent on what kind of love you’re talking about, and then how you individually define it. It also brings to mind what it means to say you love someone now more than ever. That original love wasn’t insufficient in any way, before, was it? Not in the least, of course.
How strange.
I guess it’s important to also mention that whether or not a relationship last isn’t even based entirely on love. There are so many extenuating circumstances; and like it or not, we move through our lives alone. We are ultimately accountable for our choices, our feelings and thoughts. It’s easy to say some things can’t be helped. At the outset, that’s probably true. But how we let those things govern the future becomes our responsibility whether we like it or not.
I see people at perilous points in their lives, gifted with either too little joy or too many opportunities, and both bring strain on their relationships with various loved ones. It’s hard to be a witness to it, and to have no valid advice to offer. Hopefully just being here will be enough.

There are monsters under the bed, you know

I wonder what it takes to make a person decide they want to get married. Or re-married. For most ladies and even some men, it’s very simple: we want the “whole package.” Companionship, kids, someone to alternate with for dishes and taking out the trash. Some people think that you can’t have those things without a big poufy white dress and some circular jewelry. I’m not sure how that connection comes about. Partly, I guess, most of us were raised to think that’s the way it should be. At some point a lot of us realize it makes a lot of financial sense (ironic considering how costly ending such a union generally is).
Unfortunately, I’ve also come to realize that a lot of the choices we make in our lives are based in fear. I understand sometimes I feel insecure, but every now & then lightning strikes and I realize that getting married solves that not at all. Kind of funny because I gave that exact morsel of wisdom to Kyle about his very serious girlfriend. Ladies, we’re not always the brightest, but every now and then we can actually see the forest for the trees. Every time he walks over to me just for a kiss, I feel so special. And try though he might, I get to battle my self-doubt on my own. These days I’m winning.

Just left of the right

Dad and I were talking in depth about politics last weekend. He feels his constitutional rights are being encroached on by our national government. I feel like my human rights are being trampled on by corporate America. I don’t disagree with him entirely, but I believe that the cause is not just as simple as poor judgment on the part of our lawmakers.
Finally, the Supreme Court exercised a little common sense in their ruling against Wyeth Pharmaceuticals. It’s nice to know that our government can’t be entirely bought. So for that reason I believe that a nationalized healthcare system would bring back the equal playing field. Dad mentioned that our current system seemed to be working for me just fine. And he’s right, but what about for the rest of my friends and family? How many people do you know that are uninsured or under-insured? I don’t need Michael Moore to tell me that if I got really sick I’d end up with a giant pile of debt.
I suppose my most fanatical left-wing belief would be centered around women’s rights. You could probably go so far as to call me a feminist: I believe every woman has the right to think, say, or do whatever she wishes without discrimination. And with out fear of discrimination. I’m pro-choice. I don’t think that I would ever make that choice for myself, but I want the freedom to choose what’s best. And if I thought a child I brought into the world wouldn’t get the life they deserved or would suffer in any way, I would not bring it into this world. And for every woman on the planet there is another reason behind their choice.
Some say I make a lousy feminist because I want to be a stay at home mother. But that’s my prerogative, my choice, my life.
Others say I make a lousy liberal because I own a firearm and have a carry permit. I have the right to protect myself, and I choose to do so. Also, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not comfortable with assault rifles. I just don’t see the point. But if you think it’s fun to shoot one, do it. Just not in malice, please. I don’t think that there’s a single law that can be written that will keep guns out of the hands of criminals. By definition, they’re going to break that law anyway. But I respect that guns are not for everyone.
It’s interesting to think about what parts of the law affect my life today, or what parts will affect my life in a few years. For certain, I believe my perspective will change.
And if you disagree with me, that’s fine too.