I took out the last four years of posts here… not exactly the “last” four years… the things I found started late ’03… a very very unraveled time in my life. The writing more or less stopped three years later. Which happens to be within months of when I met Brandon. And more or less found myself my very own version of ‘happily ever after.’ It still makes me cringe a little to say it. I never really seemed to believe in it much after that first heartbreak ages ago. But I’m so happy, we just lie in bed and make each other laugh sometimes. So we’ll see.
I wonder how often we’d find that we don’t recognize the person we used to be, if we really took the time to document our hearts? I laugh at the things I read, the brilliant phrases once used that I admire but just can’t relate to anymore. The ways I really thought love was supposed to be… the way I really hoped my life would turn out. I find myself at an age where many of those things will never be, but what I’ve found instead seems pretty great anyway.
You know, I was terrified of turning 25. Unwed, childless, no degree, too much debt. And at halfway to 26, I’m not sure what’s changed, other than perspective. I still get anxious about creeping closer to 30, but what’s a girl to do? I try to focus on all the wonderful gifts in my life, maybe not packaged the way I’d imagined. You’d think I’d be able to let go of all that by now. Maybe not ALL of it, just the silly pieces… the arbitrary time tables, the things I experienced when I was young & hoped to give to my someday-children. Some of those things just aren’t reasonable. So very serious now.
There are fond memories in the things deleted. I saved them somewhere if I ever need to look at how far I’ve come. Such a good girl now. Such a good woman.